A co-morbid disorder called PMDD that kicked in when I was 29 was running my life for years until very recently.  My doctor found a way to treat it, though if you’re like me it’s difficult to treat. Because I’ve had a stroke birth control is off the table but I hear that works for some women.

I double my Prozac and my klonopin for the 10 days before my period to try and save off the worse than usual insomnia, the fatigue, the thought patterns that are very destructive and basically try to convince myself I’m unloved and unlovable and should go somewhere to die.

Before it was treated I remember being in a field, literally pulling my hair out and screaming for it to stop. Years later I still know when it has started.

I think it’s ten days before my period, look at my app’s calendar and boom — right again.

One thing I hate about this disorder is that everyone in my life needs to be aware of it because they can’t tax me with important convos or ask me to make big decisions. This is basically Kardashian time. Especially now that I have a baby. I have to make sure to get the sleep I need to stay sane and to not listen to self hate.

It’s now manageable, but I still don’t like that everyone knows exactly what part of my cycle I’m in.

The intrusive thoughts are with me all day, worsening every day until my period starts. Here is a sample:

Thoughts

Sharing your thoughts is pointless

Why did you think you could have a baby? 

You’re enormous. 

You’re such a failure.

You’re not a crafty person why are you wasting your time?

What are you even doing with your life?

Why are you wasting time with a blog? No one cares. You help no one.

 

— My husband got home and I told him about the thoughts, saying, “they’re intrusive.”

A thought answered me: “You deserve it.”

Sigh.

♥️,

Rae