PMDD: day 10

A co-morbid disorder called PMDD that kicked in when I was 29 was running my life for years until very recently.  My doctor found a way to treat it, though if you’re like me it’s difficult to treat. Because I’ve had a stroke birth control is off the table but I hear that works for some women.

I double my Prozac and my klonopin for the 10 days before my period to try and save off the worse than usual insomnia, the fatigue, the thought patterns that are very destructive and basically try to convince myself I’m unloved and unlovable and should go somewhere to die.

Before it was treated I remember being in a field, literally pulling my hair out and screaming for it to stop. Years later I still know when it has started.

I think it’s ten days before my period, look at my app’s calendar and boom — right again.

One thing I hate about this disorder is that everyone in my life needs to be aware of it because they can’t tax me with important convos or ask me to make big decisions. This is basically Kardashian time. Especially now that I have a baby. I have to make sure to get the sleep I need to stay sane and to not listen to self hate.

It’s now manageable, but I still don’t like that everyone knows exactly what part of my cycle I’m in.

The intrusive thoughts are with me all day, worsening every day until my period starts. Here is a sample:

Thoughts

Sharing your thoughts is pointless

Why did you think you could have a baby? 

You’re enormous. 

You’re such a failure.

You’re not a crafty person why are you wasting your time?

What are you even doing with your life?

Why are you wasting time with a blog? No one cares. You help no one.

 

— My husband got home and I told him about the thoughts, saying, “they’re intrusive.”

A thought answered me: “You deserve it.”

Sigh.

♥️,

Rae

 

 

 

 

1 Comment

  1. I’m so glad you’re telling it like it is—thank you! I experience a version of this when the Lyme disease is really active. (My best friend calls it “enemy propaganda”) In those times my head tells me similar things, and it helps so much to be able to remind myself of what craziness other people also experience when their brains are going haywire

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s